Baby preferred to keep it in secret

Hello my dear friends!

Another week passed and we are already in our 17^th week. We’re getting closer to the middle of our pregnancy. With each new week, I keep reading about how our baby changes and develops, about his new achievements. The baby is already around 18 cm tall! His movements are more controlled now. He can touch his face or suck his thumb. He can hear much better now and can recognize voices. Of course, I wish I could talk to him and tell him how much I love him and wait for him here, but this is what I’m unable to do.

I call our baby “he” but in reality we still don’t know if it’s he or she. We received our 16 weeks scan last week, with ultrasound photos and videos. The baby is growing, surrogate is feeling well. They handled second genetic scan and the result was good this time as well: low risk for genetic abnormalities. But as to gender of our baby – no news again. I know 16 week is too early, but we were so impatient to know. All our family is waiting. We also want Den to know if he is expecting a sister or a brother. As I’ve told in one of my previous posts, our surrogate thinks it’s a boy.

The next scan and check up is on the 20^th week. Three more weeks to wait. Maybe this time we’ll fly to Kiev to meet our surrogate and see her growing bump, but only time will show.

As to my other news, Martin got back from his business trip but we failed to have some good rest this weekend because Den got ill again and currently I’m taking care of him. It was flu and he is slowly but steadily recovering. This morning we even went for a walk together. So in general, I’m a bit tried after this week. Mom’s heart is never at rest when her child is not feeling well. But we always do our best to help them recover as soon as possible.

So, I’m closing by now, with thoughts about my two babies: thee one who is just next to me coughing and with a running nose, and the second still so small but already so endlessly loved.

Warm hugs

xxx

Women from Venus, Men from Mars

Hello my dear friends! I hope you all are feeling well on this wonderful day.  A week has started. We had to wake up at 5.30 am today because my husband was to set off to Bergen. It’s a business trip. Well, a long way to go, and he is yet driving. So I’m waiting for a call from him just to make sure everything’s fine. He often travels all over the country for his business meetings but each time I’m a bit nervous.  Maybe this is just my female nature?

We all women are the same. Aren’t we? We always need to worry for someone/something. And we always will. Nothing changes with years. Modern social policy tends to gender equality, same rights and duties for men and women.  But we are not the same: never were and never will be. Finally, men and women were designed to complete each other. Remember: Women from Venus, Men from Mars? Neither time, nor new laws will change it.

It seems I’m happy to have a husband who still thinks that women have to be given flowers and pampered in many different ways. We all still want to be princesses and to be treated liked a princess, no matter how old we are.

I have a son and we still don’t know the gender of the baby that we are awaiting through surrogacy. As I’ve told before, we wanted a baby girl. My husband did. And so do I. I know how it feels to be a mother of a little man, but yet I so desperately want to be a mother of a little princess as well. And yes I will dress her in pink and tell her that she is beautiful every single day. Dozen times per day. Even if people will say that I’m spoiling her. I think that this is why we, women, all come to this world: to be pampered, spoiled and know that we’re making this world better with our beauty. And to give birth to children, of course.

We hope that tomorrow we will know the gender of our long awaited baby. Tomorrow is the day for our next scan – 16 weeks pregnancy. Our surrogate is expected to come to Kiev, to the clinic, again. Unfortunately, we couldn’t travel this time to be present at the checkups personally. Of course, I was very upset, but now it’s better. I know that they will inform every single detail of the scan as soon as possible. So tomorrow is a big day and we are waiting.

I hope the doctor who will be performing ultrasound is professional enough to see the gender of the baby on the 16^th week. Still I know it may be tough, especially if the baby is “shy”. When I was pregnant with Den, it was only the 20 weeks scan when we found out it’s a boy.

We will see this time.

Apart from gender question, of course we are waiting for medical report and second genetic screening. The first one was ok, so we hope that this time there’ll be no problems as well.

16 weeks – the baby is already big enough. Surrogate may experience first kicks. They say when it’s not the first pregnancy, woman starts feeling first kicks much earlier. I’m sure they will ask her.

I’m checking the weather in Ukraine often. It seems they are having nice warm sunny weather. I hope that our surrogate takes some time for walks and breathing fresh air. Baby needs oxygen, and well as first rays of spring sun that nourishes skin with vitamin D. Sure, I’m not in control of all that but I really hope that our surrogate takes care of herself and our baby very wisely.

Waiting for news from clinic.

I’ll drop a line as soon as I’m informed.

Have a great week, friends!

Xxx

Flying to Kiev tomorrow!

Hi to everyone who is following me.

I hope you all had gorgeous St.Valentine’s Day with your dearest people. I did, and even though nothing really special was planned, we had a good evening in family circle, cooked some fish and salad, and a pie. No candles, but still it was a very warm evening. After all, we’re not in our 20s any longer. However, maybe when we get older, we’ll get back to candles again? Who knows?

There’s great news I would like to share with you today. The clinic confirmed the day of surrogate’s scan. It’s Friday, the 17^th of February. Tomorrow we’re taking our flight to Kiev, late at night, again, like the previous time. The only difference is that this time we’re travelling without our son, Den. This will be a very quick trip: Friday evening we’re already travelling back home to Oslo. A bit tiring, but we will have two weekend days to have some rest after this trip. Also, I’m sure Den will be missing us much, so we didn’t want to stay there for long.

I hope there will be no delays, every hour of our trip is scheduled. So, we’re supposed to meet the lady who is carrying our baby on Friday morning. I’m very excited and a bit nervous. I’ve got some presents to give her. We all will see the baby on ultrasound scan. The 12^th week is scan is one of the most memorable. At least, it was for me in my first pregnancy. I hope they will do some photos and video for us.

So, I have to end up here today. Many things have to be done before we depart. Please wish us luck and safe flight. I’ll drop a line to inform you on our journey as soon as possible.

Sweet regards,

Agnete! 

Time to say Hello

Hi, how have you been? Please forgive me for being silent for a while. This last month was very special for me and my family. I would even say “specific” but still special as well. Gorgeous news that we received just on New Year’s eve gave impetus for a new whirl of our family life. Yes, a new page of the family book. Our surrogate is there in Ukraine and she is pregnant. She is miles away and we know almost nothing about her, still there’s a new-coming member of our family there in her belly. Oh, I knew surrogacy is a challenge, but I didn’t know HOW exactly it will feel like. It feels a bit awkwardly, indeed, even though the same pleasant and marvelous as natural pregnancy. Maybe this is because we still haven’t met our surrogate mum? I hope. Now it all feels a bit incomplete. You want to be there, you want to be in control, you want to be IN. But this is just lyrics. I’d say: emotional component. What about factual component? The most evident fact about our surrogacy journey is that 12 weeks scan is approaching and this time we are invited to be IN. This time we can travel there to Kiev and be present at all scans, talk to managers and doctor, see the results of all tests, and the last but not the least – to finally say Hello to the woman who is pregnant with our baby. Even though she speaks no English, and we know no Ukrainian, I hope we’ll enjoy this very first communication. I know there will be an English speaking manager to help us translating, as well as at all procedures in Kiev we had to pass through. BUT (oh, sure, how could we go without this “magical” word But?) my husband is now on his business trip. He returns only in three days and he is still uncertain about his plans for the next week. Also, this time I would like to leave Den at home with grandma so we’ll have to adjust our schedules as well.

I try to be loyal to myself and my inner voice says not to get frustrated even if it doesn’t work and we won’t be able to travel. Still I hope we will. I want to see my baby on the monitor with my own eyes, this is an important milestone of the whole journey, isn’t it? 

Everyone knows and everyone cares

The last several months were as if not from my life: sometimes it seemed to me that I’ll wake up one day and find out that it was just a dream. At times, it was scary, at times it was incredibly tough, at times I felt as if I’m helpless and losing every little hint of hope.

However, things turned out to be maybe even better than we initially expected. Yes, yes, it’s a bit tough for me to confess but we didn’t expect that our surrogate will get pregnant from the very first attempt. Just imagine: our first IVF ever. I know that so many people keep trying again and again and nothing works so I was very afraid of failure. I know this is not right. After all, hope and positive approach is above everything else, but having heard some stories of recurrent unsuccessful IVFs we just didn’t want to be disappointed at once. And please don’t throw stones at me. It was a tough time both for me and for all of my family: tiring flights to Kiev, waiting, first hormonal stimulation with dozens of painful injections, painful surgery of eggs retrieval and then waiting again. Getting our positive beta test from Biotexcom clinic was really the sweetest and the most expectant present we could ever get for Christmas. Ok, and then waiting again (let’s not forget about this most essential part of our surrogacy journey). They said that normally they do first ultrasound two weeks after beta test but in our case it was several days earlier (am I that lucky again?). They say everything’s fine and they will keep monitoring our surrogate mother and her pregnancy.

Of course, it’s too soon to say “done” because the first trimester of pregnancy is so fragile. I know it from my personal experience: when I was pregnant with Den I was hospitalized with slight bleeding. It was on the 9^th week of pregnancy. They said I was running through a big risk of placental abruption and thus losing pregnancy. Hopefully, we called the doctor at once and they did everything possible to save pregnancy. So I know very well how it feels and what it really is.

That’s why I keep thinking about that woman whom I still don’t know but who carries my baby. She definitely has her own child/children because this is their requirement for intended surrogate mothers. So I hope she cares well of herself and my baby as much as she cared about her own pregnancy.

Loads of love on all of you!

The pressure is on!

Please forgive me that it took me so long to update you this time.

These few days were extremely full of emotions from immense joy to hesitation and thrill. Have you been waiting to know our HCG test result? I’m sure you did, at least once.

We received a letter from clinic’s representative on Monday morning. Finally! It seemed to me that this day lasted forever. I was checking my email again and again millions of time and nothing happened. By the time I finally received the letter, I was already pretty tired and exhausted with waiting. When I finally saw it in my inbox, I stopped breathing for a while. I opened the letter and saw the words of congratulations and our HCG test that was showing number of 320. Can you believe it? I couldn’t. At that time, I was like: “Is there anyone to pinch me and I’ll wake up”.

My husband was still at work at that time. I was thinking how it’s better to present this new to him. Of course, it would be much more romantic if I could hide my test with two fat lines in a present box or something like this. However, the situation is different and I should have searched for more witty solutions. I was flying like a butterfly over our house. Then I decided to find Den’s newborn baby booties. We had very beautiful white ones. I put them on a pillow just in the middle of the sofa where Martin usually has rest after work. I was very nervous and thrilled. I know he wouldn’t ask me any questions before he gets to the sofa so I wanted to be the first.

Ok, he saw the baby booties on the pillow and understood everything. He started hugging and kissing me and then asked many questions. It was an unforgettable evening.

At first, I was a little bit worried that number of 320 didn’t seem big enough to me. The test was done on the 14^th day post transfer. Then I read some info and asked ladies on forums. Everyone told me that it’s absolutely positive and may indicate even twins.

What’s next? We’re waiting for our first ultrasound. They told that as a rule they do it in 2 weeks after HCG test but they will have a row of Christmas and New Year holidays there in Ukraine, so they told us that the ultrasound is scheduled for the 28^th of December, a bit earlier, you see. They told that only ultrasound test will set everything clear with our pregnancy so we’re waiting… again…and again.

Loads of fertility dust on you, sweethearts!

Xxx

A postcard from Kiev

Good evening to everyone who is following me here. So much to tell you this time, so much news and updates so this post definitely won’t be brief. First of all, we safely got to Kiev but “safely” is probably the best characteristic of our flight. In fact, it was a long and tiring flight with one change in Frankfurt. Thus we got to Kiev when it was already late night. As I probably told in my last posting, I was a bit concerned about out hotel transfer. When we traveled to Kiev the first time, Biotex’s driver met us at the airport and took us to the hotel. But it was day time. I wasn’t sure that they provide same service at night. And my worries weren’t groundless. There was no driver. They told us to find a booth with inscription “Biotexcom” and they will call a taxi for us. Maybe because we were so tired after the flight, we couldn’t find the booth at once. We were wandering around arrivals lounge for around 10 minutes before we finally saw a small window with necessary inscription. Oh, thanks. Really, there was a lady who called a taxi for us. The taxi came in around 10 minutes and around 30 minutes yet to get to the apartment. Yes, this time we stay in the apartment which is very cozy and spacious. It’s much better than the hotel they accommodated us the previous time. In any case, at 3 am we didn’t care about it. we just wanted to get to bed as quick as possible.

Next morning we were already at the clinic. We were met by our manager (is it a sign or not, but she is pregnant!). They took my blood for tests again and then we were taken to our doctor. There were four more couples in the lines to see this doctor so we had to wait. She did ultrasound test and physical examination. She said everything is the way it should be and told me to follow the initial protocol, with no changes. Oh, was it a relief? I was so worried that my body might have poor response on merional and eggs won’t grow. But she said that everything was fine.

What about Den? He was really making fun there at the clinic (even though it seems that he should had been much more quiet but we couldn’t do anything, really – oh, I’m so sorry for this. Moreover, he found a friend there – an Italian boy of around a year older than he. Their fathers did their best to calm down these two but it’s really very tough for a toddler to wait for hours in a closed building. Then the manager told us that we may go downstairs and treat our boys with busicuits and hot chocolate. They liked the idea. Moreover, it was a new room where they could look everything around with interest.

So, now knowing that everything was fine with my stimulation, we could breathe easily and decided to go sightseeing. Sure, the weather was not very indulgent for long walks, but still we visited several Kiev cathedrals with these gorgeous golden domes and the central street called Khreshchatic. We also found an Opera House and Martin said that we should see the ballet. When we came to the box office, it was a bit tough to communicate with old Ukrainian woman who was selling the tickets. Hopefully, there was a young lady who knew English so she helped us buy good tickets. We were really surprised by the price of the tickets. Our pit stalls sits cost around 25 $ which is a minor price if compared to European opera houses. The ballet was called Corsar by Adolf Adan. We were full of impressions. Den was also with us. He was the one who felt a little bored by the play so we had to go a bit earlier. But it’s ok. I knew he won’t sit there till the very end.

My eggs retrieval surgery is scheduled for Tuesday. Tonight I’m making Pregnyl 10000 injection. It’s hormonal injection of Hcg. They told to do precisely in 36 hours before the surgery. So, I’m making it at 10.30 pm tonight. I hope you’re still keeping your fingers crossed for me. Are you? The day is coming – if everything’s ok, fertilization will be the same day.

Don't count the days, make days count!

It was a very tough week. A row of good and bad things happened. The news was a shock and even when it seemed that it couldn’t be worse it was. Ok, I’m not going to upset you because this bad news is just for my family. I hope your week was joyful and happy.

In any case, after frustration for a couple of days it seems that I have strength to move forward. At such moments you realize like you did never before that life is so short. It’s just a blink of eye between the past and future. And you are the only one who can change anything NOW. There is no yesterday or tomorrow. Just today and now. Unfortunately, we leave so many things “for tomorrow”, “next week”, “next year”. This is probably one of the biggest mistakes we make.

As I get older, I discover so many things that were obviously hiding somewhere behind our daily routine and all the joys of the 20s+ ages. Is this natural? Am I just getting older? Getting wiser or just older? Having new wrinkles on my forehead means that I’m smarter than before? Or I’m just burning my days for nothing? And those who seemed to live this life to the fullest degree, those who are in their 70s and 80s, did they have enough time for fulfilling all their dreams? Were they brave enough to dream and make their dreams come true? Looking back on their lives, are they happy? If they could, what would they change? I was always afraid to ask these questions. As for me, asking such questions means summarizing life thus saying goodbye on default. That’s why I never asked them.

And what comes next? Or this is it? I know a very wise person who told me once: “Our immortality is in our future generations”. He knows better. Obviously, the essence of our lives is raising dignified new people who will raise new people and so on.

I still keep thinking of it.

Even if it’s true, I’m limited in this due to my infertility. Limited but not deprived. Now I’m even more convinced that I’m on the right way. I hope that my family will welcome its new member soon.

I know that many people stay childless all life long and still are happy. This is the right formula for them. For me, my happiness is in mothering and in bringing new smart, beautiful and dignified people to this world. Somebody correct me if I’m wrong. Maybe my thoughts out loud are just groundless conclusions of a young mother who has some fertility limitations and just feels guilty about that?

A question for everyone reading this: what is the sense of life for you? Please help me figure this out. 

The best is yet to come

Is there anyone waiting for these weekends more than I do?

This is going to be a great time. You may call me a lazybone but I’m looking forward to a very relaxed and free of any duties weekend. Why? My parents are taking my son to their place for the whole weekend so that me and my husband could have all the time in the world together. We’re always busy working that’s why such moments “just for ourselves” are so rare and so long-awaited by us. Of course, we’ll be missing Den. Anyways, I know he’ll have a gorgeous time with grandparents and his cousins. Yes, they are gathering a small kindergarten there! My parents love gathering all their grandchildren from time to time at their place. My dad has so many games to play with them and my mom, she cooks gorgeous pies that they love so much. Oh, I love them too but I’m no longer three years old to eat them as much as I want (age is taking its toll and now I have to be very picky in what and how much I eat).

There is one secret reason for why I’m keeping strict and very healthy diet now. Are you interested to know? I know that very soon I’ll be stimulated for eggs growing in my ovaries that will be used for our first IVF ever. If you read my previous posting, you may already know that I had my uterus removed after the first natural delivery. We took courage and applied for surrogacy program! Own eggs surrogacy! Yeah, they approved me for own eggs stimulation! Luckily, my ovaries still function ok. They checked my hormones, ovarian reserve and did blood tests (both to me and husband). All exams were fine and they gave green light for two IVF surrogacy attempts on our own genetic material. This is a long story to tell and this is actually why I started this blog.

We met a lot of new and unknown things in the sphere of reproductive medicine we were absolutely unaware before. Yeah, they really do miracles! They help even in the worst cases of infertility. They know how to omit genetic diseases. They can choose baby’s sex. They can fertilize woman even in menopause! And even more importantly – they can transfer my own embryo to a healthy woman who will give birth to my baby!

We have already signed our contract and currently we’re waiting for a proper surrogate for us. We couldn’t choose the surrogate. Our clinic’s doctors choose surrogates based on medical criteria. They told that her health is all that matters. Ok, perhaps this makes sense. As for us, we got instructions on dieting and vitamins during this period. They gave me this huge pack of medications for ovulation stimulation so we’re waiting for their green light to start.

Are we overwhelmed? Like we were never before!