One year older

Hi, it’s my birthday today! Don’t think that I’m asking for congratulations, but this is just how my day started: a handmade postcard from my boy, coffee in bed from by man and blood test results and scans in my laptop. Nothing special. Just an ordinary beginning of a day! Joking! Just all in one: you know, I have a bunch of feelings starting from anxiety and immense thrill to this very warm feeling of comfort and hope when your two dearest men care about you on your especial day. That’s awesome. This combination of feelings paints my day in richer colors even since the early morning. 

Honestly, I’m not a big fan of my birthdays. This feeling got even more vivid when I passed over 30 years margin. It’s like: “Ok, let’s celebrate! I’m getting older! Congratulations!”. In fact, I know that these are the thoughts of a worn out crone so I keep them locked in my mind and no one will ever hear them (may be but for reading as exception?). Sorry for grumbling.

We gonna have a small family celebration this night and large party with friends and relatives tomorrow evening. My husband is cooking dinner today, he said. He hardly ever cooks but there are a few recipes he perfectly mastered. So he gives me some breaks from cooking, usually on our special occasions like today. It’s especially important for me now when I seem to be dissolved in preparation to my upcoming medical procedures.

So I got the tests and ultrasound done. I have already sent them to my clinic’s manager and wait for their feedback. I should start ovulation induction medications soon. As I’ve told you in my previous posting, it’s hard for me to determine the day of my menstrual cycle because I have no regular bleedings. To know the exact day of the cycle, they take my blood for hormonal tests: luteinizing and follicle-stimulating hormones. On forums, you will encounter just abbreviations LH and FSH respectively. Knowing their levels, they can tell precisely the day of my period. Also progesterone, estrogene and anti-mullerian hormone once again (this one stands for AMH). The last time they checked it when I applied for surrogacy program back in July. It was 3,2 back then. They said it’s good result. This time it was 2,8. It’s obviously a bit worse but they say still ok. As far as I understood, the value depends on the day of the period and on some other factors. In any case, I’m sure I will get all the blood tests again when I travel to Kiev for eggs retrieval. There they will also take additional tests such as coagulogram (how quick my blood coagulates), and hormones again. In fact, I will need to come to Kiev several days before the surgery for them to monitor my state, the way the follicles grow, choose the best time for surgery, and of course in order to omit hyperstimulation (which is another terrifying word for me in this assisted reproduction vocabulary). It’s a very dangerous complication of stimulation (or this is just specific side effect or individual body reaction on medications). Ok, I’m not a master of explaining intricate medical terms, but I know that it’s probably the worst thing that may accompany hormonal stimulation for follicles. You know, when I saw my protocol of stimulation first, it was hard to evaluate it for me. I mean to give my own estimation as to how long it is and if they prescribe too little medications or vice versa a lot of them. Now when I got to read so many articles, blogs and communicated on forums with ladies who have/had similar treatment, I realize that I don’t have much medications. I have only one gonadotropin called Merional (intramuscular injections), Metipred (tablets), and vitamins (folic acid and Vitamin E). I know they may still add certain medications when they get my recent tests. Still I’m a bit concerned of having only one gonadotropin prescribed. Will it be enough to induce superovulation in me? To get many eggs of good quality? I know these question shouldn’t come to my mind since I have a doctor to care about all those aspects, but still – I’m a woman and when it deals with my future offspring I have to be maximally aware of the situation. I hope they know what they are doing.

Have a great day and loads of love on you!

I’ll drop a line as soon as I get updates.

Don't count the days, make days count!

It was a very tough week. A row of good and bad things happened. The news was a shock and even when it seemed that it couldn’t be worse it was. Ok, I’m not going to upset you because this bad news is just for my family. I hope your week was joyful and happy.

In any case, after frustration for a couple of days it seems that I have strength to move forward. At such moments you realize like you did never before that life is so short. It’s just a blink of eye between the past and future. And you are the only one who can change anything NOW. There is no yesterday or tomorrow. Just today and now. Unfortunately, we leave so many things “for tomorrow”, “next week”, “next year”. This is probably one of the biggest mistakes we make.

As I get older, I discover so many things that were obviously hiding somewhere behind our daily routine and all the joys of the 20s+ ages. Is this natural? Am I just getting older? Getting wiser or just older? Having new wrinkles on my forehead means that I’m smarter than before? Or I’m just burning my days for nothing? And those who seemed to live this life to the fullest degree, those who are in their 70s and 80s, did they have enough time for fulfilling all their dreams? Were they brave enough to dream and make their dreams come true? Looking back on their lives, are they happy? If they could, what would they change? I was always afraid to ask these questions. As for me, asking such questions means summarizing life thus saying goodbye on default. That’s why I never asked them.

And what comes next? Or this is it? I know a very wise person who told me once: “Our immortality is in our future generations”. He knows better. Obviously, the essence of our lives is raising dignified new people who will raise new people and so on.

I still keep thinking of it.

Even if it’s true, I’m limited in this due to my infertility. Limited but not deprived. Now I’m even more convinced that I’m on the right way. I hope that my family will welcome its new member soon.

I know that many people stay childless all life long and still are happy. This is the right formula for them. For me, my happiness is in mothering and in bringing new smart, beautiful and dignified people to this world. Somebody correct me if I’m wrong. Maybe my thoughts out loud are just groundless conclusions of a young mother who has some fertility limitations and just feels guilty about that?

A question for everyone reading this: what is the sense of life for you? Please help me figure this out.